Struggling but standing
I'm having some emotional struggles and my control over my eating issues has been slipping. Had a couple binges and that is never a good sign. I keep control a while and then lose it a few hours which is all I need to undue the rest. I am still in the fight though. I made 2.25 miles on the treadmill today. Longest I've ever made but I am having a hard time celebrating it. Cut some moorings with my oldest 2 kids. (22,23) Got a lot of "poor little me", "its your responsibility to help me" and "How dare you put my life choices on me and not sympathize and fix it for me" mostly from my son. Daughter pretty much doesn't care at this point. I returned it to sender. The chatter in the back of my head is pessimistic and depressing, I keep beating it back with "truth" as I know it. I'm reminded the bloodiest battle I ever fight will be with myself. Update on my daughter. She left for two weeks, returned to the guy and they just moved out from the only moderating influences they had (his parents) into an apartment together. I listen to the public chatter and am staying away from contact with them both. Too much imported chaos and untrustworthiness for me. Hurts to deep to cry. I'm going to try something Mack suggested in UTWW. Creating that peaceful place in your head and going there a little while when you think you can't take anymore and you need a few minutes peace. That and staying incredibly busy will help. The second part isn't hard, lol. Hope everybody else is doing better! We can't lose as long as we get up one more time. I found a great song for those musically inclined. "Stand" by Rascal Flatts," the words are as NDCQ I've ever heard! Blessings and best wishes to you all. Deb
Don't ever give up!
Don't ever give up!
Hey Deb
Your words here were the inspiration behind the Facebook Post today:
It must be so tramatic with the family
dilemmas you frequently deal with. You're in my thoughts. Every single day I wonder what life will be like when my little ones (age 4 and 2) are older and I do not envy your situation. You are a tough and strong Mom and you do want to do good and do what is best for them - and sometimes tough love is the answer although I know it must crush you to do it. It crushes me to do it with my babies and I know it only gets harder.
How can we get the binges under control? I'm the opposite, when i stress or am under pressure I cannot eat anything which is never a good thing either... Maybe do not have the bad stuff you crave around the house? You have put in so much hard work and fought so hard to get to where you are - let's keep the momentum going... What can we do to help? Maybe we can come up with a new verbal command request for you... I know when I see things I love that I want to eat I think of the word "cellulite" and it helps me not to do it
. Mack always says food is just fuel. And it's true we should eat only what we need and what is good to keep our motors running properly - but his incredible willpower is definitley not coming from a woman's standpoint lol.
How are you today?
Hang in there Deb,
Mandy
Today
The food thing at the moment is all about trying to comfort myself in unhealthy ways. Its a lot like an alcoholic running for a "couple drinks to take the edge off" and we all know how that ends! When it gets so bad I can't eat it has got to be absolutely gut wrenching soul threatening stuff. I have been keeping the tempting stuff out of the house for some time but lately slipped, again comfort food. That little voice that says, "your going through a hard time, you deserve it" will kill you. Unfortunately food is associated with more than fuel for some of us. It takes some reprogramming! I must say its no where near as bad as it has been in the past when under stress but I can't let it evolve into that massive stuff. So I am stocking up on prepared ready to eat salads I can grab and eat instead of grabbing stuff I shouldn't. I am clearing out anything left I can't have around. I taught a section in my class today on "self-care." Ironic huh! Now I get to practice what I preach! I got out my "60 healthy activities to care for yourself" handout and am implementing a couple. In AA they tell you the acronym HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired are the vulnerable moments and they're right. I noticed evenings when I am tired is when I am most likely to loose control. So its time to get to bed earlier and not only get enough rest but avoid temptation. If i wait too long to eat and Im starved I make bad choices. I think its been hard because it takes a lot of conscious attention. I can't auto pilot anything right now and that is exhausting. Monitoring that voice in my head is also demanding, I am not always aware what I am thinking back there! When I do get it I have to do that counter argument challenging assumptions. Again mental energy. I could certainly use a new trigger word. I hadn't thought of that. I am also having to work my other trigger word a lot to keep from dwelling on the kid crap. It is just a lot of effort but I am far from giving up the fight. I'll get through it because that decision is made. I'm sure Mack would agree, you can't let feelings dictate action. I need to play a little and I am horrible about letting myself do that.
Thank you for your kind words and support. The guilt is the hardest, even though I know in my rational moments its not appropriate; I've made every effort possible. Feelings can lie too. The good and bad news with your little ones is that you get a little tougher inside the longer you parent and the more they become their own person its easier to hold them accountable. The bad news is you never stop hurting along with them when they hurt. Tough love is tough on moms too. Letting them go emotionally is the toughest. Men deal with kids differently than women and thats a good thing. I think kids need both perspectives. Probably why God gave them 2 parents! Having a partner in parenting to problem solve with and share the load is a very good thing also. I know you must be a great mom and I am sure you will do just fine! 2 and 4, time, labor and energy demanding! My hats off too you for keeping up with it all! Thanks for your time and kindness, Mandy, I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness. Deb
Deborah Roberts
a hug for you my friend
Hello Deb,
first of all a big hug from me to you! I recognize the eating thing when you are feeling bad. The point is that it only will help for 2 minutes or so and then you will feel extra bad because you did eat the wrong stuff.
So everytime I feel like I want to eat the wrong things (choclate, cookies, candy) I ask myself what will happen if I eat it. If you are honest to yourself then you will find the power not to eat it. I always feel better afterwards. Proud that I didn't do it....It's also a part of staying focused on your target:losing weight.
I know you can do it my friend (maybe you can think the next time: if that silly women from the Netherlands can do so can I
)
And Deb: you are a super mom, I just know (that's why it hurst so much)
Love Francoise
Hi guys
I was doing pretty good with the eating till last night. I got a couple ugly texts from my two oldest and a couple ugly facebook posts and it piled up on me. (Sometimes I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole! when you're not loking they pop-up.) I always have to do a reality check after I deal with them because they always try to invade you, yet make it all your fault. Short story, I grabbed a bunch of junk food on auto pilot then gave it away today to skinny son and his skinny friends. I maintain I have a right to determine who I allow in my life, family non-withstanding. It sure reinforced I made the right decision.
I feel like I woke up from a coma or something! Those lost years being down ill. Now I am facing an empty nest in about 18 or 24 months, and I am little by little remembering who I used to be BC (before children, like 20 years ago!) and BI (before ill). You give up a lot of who you are to be a single parent. Its giving me clarity about how I want to live what I've got left. Believe or or not, I used to be pretty adventurous and I miss that. NDCQ
Deborah Roberts
Hey Deb
Yay for skinny people to share with
Do you have anything adventurous planned?
I cannot imagine how tough it must have been with the kids all those years on your own. You are a great person and a great Mom. Plus, all of the people that you touch by teaching I know really value your knowledge and strength. I am so proud of you getting through your illness as well and mentally overcoming those hard challenges. I just feel blessed to know you. Great things are in store for you Dear Deb!! Thank you for inspiring me!
XOXO
Mandy
Adventure!
Nothing planned yet, but stewing in my head. In 1982 (the dark ages, Old!) I spent 8 months working on a medical team with refugees in Somalia, at the backside of the desert and one of the hottest place on the planet. Spent some time in Mogadishu too, before it totally went to hell. In 1986 or 87' I did similar work on two short term trips working with refugees from Nicaragua in Honduras in the remote jungle. Both were moderately dangerous, rewarding and also fun! I love being in other cultures and learning about them. In the early 90's I did several trips into rural Mexico also doing medical team work. I would like to combine my skills with travel again, but hopefully somewhere where I wont get kidnapped or shot at! LOL. I don't know if thats doable, but it is worth some serious consideration. Of course thats a couple years down the road if I go for it. I'll have to get my son out of the nest. In the short term the coast or Portland,OR are under consideration for a brief vacation!! The one regret I have that I think I have to accept as "not doable anymore" is that I took parachute jump training in my twenties at a jump school in CA; at the end of training when it was nearly my turn to go take my jump, a weather front moved in and the jumps were called off. I never got to go back and do it. The body is to far gone for that now, I think! I think that ones off the bucket list! Thanks for all the kindness, miz mandy!
Deborah Roberts
Adventure woman!
Hai adventure woman,
So you have worked in Africa and south America years and years ago. Wow, when I was in nursing school I also thought about that path, working as a nurse for the red cross. Never did it, don't really now why I never have thought out that process. I think it's very important that you find out for yourself why you want to do this work again...but if it's really something you want then just go fot it (even if it takes 2,3, 4 or 5 years from now.
About the parachute jump: why not try to do a jump while you are sticked to an instructor ( o dear I hope you understand what I mean
)
About travelling: why not save money and in a year or 2 or 3 or 4 pick up a backpack and just travel around the world.
The most important thing: DREAM, DARE DO! NDCQ
Francoise
Love it Franscoise
You and I think a lot a like! I have that backpack thing option in my head too. I need a partner in crime! Any volunteers? LOL. I think you are talking about tandem jumping with the parachuting thing. I'll have to think on that one, it hadn't really occured to me. For so long its all been about survival and now I get options! Yay me!!
Deborah Roberts